growing up too fast

I don’t wanna grow up just yet. It’s funny, because all I ever wanted as a kid is to grow up. I want to be that woman in her 20s who is successful, independent, kind, and beautiful, with a great sense of humour.

Yes, all I ever wanted is to grow up. To not be treated as a kid. To not be given curfew nor the need to ask for permission every single time I want to go out. To lay on bed for the whole day if I want to and go out the whole night if I choose to.

To be a grown up.

But life doesn’t work that way, does it?

It works on this: “Be careful what you wish for”.

Truth is, I don’t want to grow up just yet.

I still want to stay on bed the whole day, or go out with my friends for the whole night.

I want to cancel every meeting for the day just because I want to, just because I can. I want to not show up because it’s understandable. I want to break promises and not being responsible because it’s not expected of me, yet. I want to play all day and become a potato couch and do crazy stuffs.

I want to watch the Matrix trilogy, Harry Potter heptalogy, and Pirates tetralogy for the next three days without stopping. I want to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner on bed and pile the dishes and worry about it later, just because I can.

I want to learn because I want to learn. I want to learn what I want to learn. I want to be able to be me in every occasion, even though it may be deemed as unprofessional. I want to be angry when I get angry, without the need to control my rage upon some injustice.

I want to not think of the bills nor the money in my bank account nor the steps I need to take to arrive at my destined future. Am I on the right path? Will this career help me realise my dream? Or will that career help me get success?

I don’t want to be burdened and have a self-esteem attack when hearing friends become more successful than I. I don’t want to think of when’s my turn, or what have I done with my life so far for he has succeeded and I’m walking in circle. I don’t want to measure the hardwork I need to do, the time I’ll sacrifice for not sleeping, and the number of setbacks and failures that I’ll face.

Because there will be setbacks and failures. Lots of them. I know.

But I don’t want to acknowledge that I’ll be seeing failure. Lots of it. Yet.

I don’t want to take responsibility of my own life. I don’t want to calculate my salary and compare it with others’, to reflect what’s being done and wonder if it’s the right thing to do, and to think of a life I want to live in the next 60 years and how to board the train with that life as the destination.

I don’t want to race with time, nor age.

I don’t want to be constantly looking for opportunities just because it may not come twice.

I don’t want to choose, just because, I don’t dare to dream what consequences may befall me should I choose wrongly. I don’t want to make major life decisions, just because it has the possibility of becoming a scar one day that I might come to regret.

I don’t want to be doing what’s expected of me, just because, well, it’s expected.

More than ever, I feel, I don’t wanna grow up just yet.