Stories, half-written. Ideas, half-baked. Blog posts, half-finished.
Halves. For the past few weeks, I can only do halves.
Some mornings I sit down in front of my computer with either a glass of milk or a cup of tea and I click on ‘Add New Post’ button. Three paragraphs later, I abandon the draft. The feelings are not there. The words are wrong. The voice is different.
I wake up each morning, not eager to get out of bed. I want my weekends badly. I want my days to just be filled with cooking and baking and reading books and having coffees and organising the apartment, but that’s not what the days have in store for me.
I wonder what’s wrong.
My journal is full of rants and questions. ‘What is on your heart?’ I wrote. And I don’t know the answer. Successful and accomplished people say that to make each day count, you need to find your calling and answer it. Not only to recognise it, but to change your thoughts from ‘I could’ or ‘I should’ to ‘I will’.
Perhaps I idolise these things too much. Passion, calling, doing something of worth or making a difference. So when you’re doing nothing of the sort, you wonder on why to do it in the first place. Classic.
I wonder if doing halves make you feel worse than not doing nothing at all. In doing nothing, you can just shrug it off and think, ‘I can do it if I want to, I just don’t want to do it.’ (Or don’t have time to do it, yada yada yada.) But when you’ve tried and you’re stuck halfway, you begin to think differently: ‘I’ve started, and it’s not working. I may not be good enough to do this.’
Still, I know that it’s not true. Deep down, I want to believe that stories of halves would be whole one day. I just need to finish what I’ve started.
I want to remind myself that it’s still better to start doing things, even when I’m stuck halfway, rather than not doing anything at all. Now, I’ll try to focus to finish the rest of the half.
Perhaps you need this reminder too.
Photo by jypsygen, Creative Commons