Marcella Purnama

Jan 21

Human mind is, ah, what’s the word? Weird. No, perhaps it’s not weird. It’s complex. It’s complicated. It’s random, and somehow, it really has a mind of its own.

Once in a while, I remember some remnants of my half-forgotten childhood. My memory has never been my strongest forte, and yet at times, my brain gives me back something that I thought was lost.

Feelings.

Feelings at that exact time and place. The details are always blurry, but I can always know for certain the feeling that accompanies it.

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Jan 20

For the past weeks, we have been in an emotional roller coaster ride.

Perhaps, it’s an understatement as well. How are you supposed to feel when someone is dying anyway? How are you supposed to be selfless, to have empathy with the party who’s lying on bed – who’s gripping to life every now and then?

Then how are you supposed to prioritise work, or prioritise family, or prioritise your own selfishness in amidst all these?

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Jan 13

Such hatred.

Thing is, I don’t understand the internet anymore. And the social media. People post comments as if no one would get offended by what they write. As if what they write isn’t going to have any repercussion whatsoever. When a photo is posted on Facebook, there would be people leaning on the other side of hell and unleash mean commentaries.

As if they don’t know any better.

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Jan 12

It’s no longer enough to be happy. Everyone else needs to be less happy than you in order for you to experience happiness.

If not, you will feel that there’s something missing – even when you’re actually experiencing wholeness. Everyone else needs to be less whole than you, less successful than you, less awesome than you.

And sometimes, if we’re honest, it’s just nice to know that there are people who are not that happy with their lives. Then, you can then pat yourself on the back and say, ‘Don’t worry, you still have this under control.’

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Jan 07

For me, twenty fifteen starts with a phone call on a mid-day.

The six of us – my parents, my oldest sister and her husband, and my baby nephew – had just arrived at Sentosa World Singapore. Suddenly my sister pulled me aside to tell me something that would change everything, ‘Ie Yenly just called. Empo had stroke.’

It didn’t sink it at that time. I was still trying to think of a way out of this. It was New Year’s Day, the first of January 2015, and we had just arrived at Sentosa.

‘Better tell Mom and Dad later during lunch,’ she said while carrying her baby. I nodded.

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Jan 03

I have always believed that I’m going to live forever. There’s no such thing as dying in an accident, and heart attacks are reserved only for the other people. Not me. Not anyone in my family.

We are immortal.

Even thinking about death seems weird. What would you like to be written on your obituary? they ask. Well, I don’t know. Something nice and touching? Even thinking hypothetically about it seems wrong. It doesn’t feel like we are planning on our deaths – we are wishing ourselves dead instead.

And, they ask, how about writing a will? That’s reserved for the elderlies. I’m still young. I’m not going to die anytime soon. In fact, perhaps I’m not going to die forever. If, and this is a big IF, my time is up, I will somehow know it. I’ll have a feeling about it. That’s why I’ll live my one last perfect day and keep things in order.

We’re going to live forever.

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Dec 10

So it seems that this would be an obligatory end-of-year post. I will be travelling in two days and will not be back until early January. I’ve decided to leave my laptop, and possibly even my iPad, behind. That means, this will be last post in 2014, unless if I feel a compelling reason to not enjoy my last day at home tomorrow and write something not-so-important instead.

I feel like time flies, and yet sometimes I feel like it’s not flying fast enough – some moments take our breaths away, lingering one second longer in our brain. Some moments pass like train – rushed, uneventful.

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Dec 04

What kind of life do you show on Instagram? Is it your reality? Or is it just a figment of your picture-perfect moments to show to the world?

I don’t know about you, but I can get pretty jealous of other people’s lives on Instagram. Let’s say that the era of updating Facebook statuses is over (for me). Change that to endlessly scrolling awesome photos of your friends on Instagram. Oh, she just spent a week on an island with her boyfriend. Oh, she’s currently in New York City – look at how happy she is. Oh, a friend is travelling to Japan. Oh, my friends’ picture-taking skill levels are way up!

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Nov 24

It can tell a lot about you, actually.

I left my beanie once at a cinema. I noticed this ten minutes after, and I freaked out – I started being really moody and exercised bad attitude all way back to the third floor. It drove my boyfriend crazy.

I lost my wallet once. It got stolen at Cotton On Body retail on Elizabeth Street. I was looking at some sandals and suddenly, my bag was lighter than it once was. When I checked, my wallet was already gone.

Gone.

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Nov 20

All my childhood years I grew up knowing for sure that love is enough. Disney movies make me believe that when the Prince comes – the Prince who loves you and fights for you, life will be happily ever after after all. Hollywood romantic comedies all emphasise that whatever happens, whatever problem we are facing, if it’s love, it’ll find a way.

Like, you know, love will triumph against all odds.

The Bible tells me so too. The greatest among faith, love, and hope is love. Love is enough. It is.

Unless it isn’t.

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Page 16

A half-forgotten memory

Lessons learned from the hospital bed

About being happy

In the end

On the mortality of life

When December ends

That’s my picture-perfect moment. This is the truth.

What’s your first reaction after you lost something?

Is love enough?