Coffee in hand, I proceeded to write an email to the wedding band that my fiancé and I just saw yesterday. Yes, we’d like to put a deposit. And can you recommend the singers that would fit these songs?
Then I copied and pasted the song list that we had created, and told the band manager of our first dance song choice.
I hit send.
Okay, one done.
Taking a few more sips of my coffee, I logged in to my bank accounts and transferred money here and there. I looked at the transaction record for the last few days and checked if they were correct. They were. I switched to Facebook and scrolled through some updates. Oh, it’s a friend’s birthday today. I sent a happy birthday message.
Okay, another done.
Yet there was a tab—a WordPress ‘Add New Post’ tab to be exact—which I didn’t dare to open. It’s been on one of my Chrome tabs since last week, and yet I just never opened it, nor closed it. Ignoring it, I finished my coffee, took shower, cleaned the kitchen, did one batch of laundry, vacuumed the apartment, took out the trash, and watched four episodes of The Big Bang Theory.
After I literally had nothing to do, I sat down on my freshly vacuumed floor-carpet, staring at my laptop that was sitting on the sofa. I thought of the other things that I could do. But I had been doing everything else since last week. I even cleaned my balcony. I had no more new emails to reply or send. I didn’t need to cook—I’ve had plenty of leftovers from yesterday.
I sighed, stood up, and opened my laptop.
IT’S BEEN a while since I write.
Back home in Jakarta, I justified not writing as I was babysitting my nephew and niece. It was already hard to get a decent me-time, so writing felt like a chore. Well, I’m still feeling like it’s a chore. Sadly, I no longer have an excuse.
It’s been almost two weeks since I come back to Melbourne, and I’m still procrastinating to write.
I’m reading a lot though, but just not new books. I’m re-reading a lot of my favourite books, and getting reminded why I love them in the first place. But I’ve been really reluctant to see a blank page, even though I know that I really should.
Why? Two words: comfort zone.
Having not written for a while, I’m actually at a happy place. No one’s there to criticise my writing; no one’s there to point out whether they hate what I’ve written. I can just assume that everyone thinks I’m an okay writer.
But if I write and publish something stupid, I would shatter that ‘okay writer’ label and replace it with ‘bad writer’.
Of course, I’m just in denial. Writing, like anything you’re passionate about, is a lot of work. And I don’t feel like putting in the work as I’m too scared to see how below the standard myself is at the moment. If I continue not to write, I can fantasise that I’m doing okay, that one day I’ll pick up the pen (figuratively) and the words would just flow to become my best work yet.
But that’s a lie. The fact is I’m not doing okay, I’m doing nothing.
So here’s my first step to get back to writing: a simple blog post.
Perhaps you’re like me. Perhaps you’ve procrastinated long enough to do something that you know you must do. Or want to do. Probably you’re second guessing whether you should finally open a business, take up a cooking class, sign up to Masterchef, or showcase your work to the world.
It’s okay to be scared.
Yes, it’s okay to be scared that you’ll fall short of your own expectation. But the only way we’ll go forward is to show up and do the work anyway.
Now that I’ve showed up, let me get back to my book…
Ps. I’m re-reading Jon Krakauer’s Into Thin Air. Previously, I’ve finished re-reading the Lumatere Chronicles and The Maze Runner series. I should probably pick up a new book. Any recommendation?