It’s been a week and I don’t feel like writing. In fact, I still don’t know what to write. I feel like ranting, rereading an excessive dose of comic books and rewatching all episodes of Full Metal Alchemist. I feel like being on bed with Tim Tams and hot chocolate, playing Candy Crush and occupying my mind with nothingness alone.
No, I don’t even feel like reading. Yes, I still read articles my friends share on Facebook. But that kind of heavy reading on which there are only you and a good book and a different world? Nah, I don’t feel like it. It’s been two, three weeks since my last book, and I don’t know when to start again.
I don’t feel like going out. The times that I’ve gone out with friends over drinks, coffee, or food for the past six months can be counted by the fingers on my right hand. I haven’t been out in ages. And weirdly enough, I don’t really crave socialising.
I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel like thinking on what topic to write or what lessons to be learned. I don’t want to think if that post is getting enough readers or if my blog is decreasing in traffic. I don’t know, I just don’t feel like it.
I don’t feel like being productive, although honestly, I hate not being one. I hate not being able to post three times weekly like I promised myself to, but at the same time I hate myself for publishing three so-so articles in a week.
I don’t feel like thinking about my future – of whether I would be destined for success or doomed for failure. I don’t feel like calculating every hardwork – every drop of blood, sweat, and tears that goes hand in hand with growing up. I don’t feel like planning my life step by step only to realise that I have bizillion miles to go before arriving at the promised land.
It’s my passion, but I just don’t feel like doing it. I don’t feel like putting myself on a scale, seeing how I fare compared to other newbie writers, witnessing their stories go viral but not mine. I don’t feel like seeing backwards, because all those accomplishments in the past scream one thing: What are you doing now? Have you lost it already? Why are you not there yet?
What I feel like doing at the moment is doing everything else. Like baking. Or going shopping at that secondhand vintage market. Visiting the zoo. Learning something new at the museum. Dating. Choosing baby gifts for my newborn nephew. Looking at stuffs that are pretty and colourful they make you smile. Playing with pups that make you go ‘Awwww’.
I feel like doing DIY projects for le boyfriend and buying Christmas gifts for everyone. I feel like losing myself in a new city and becoming a tourist once more. I feel like having a glass of really good red wine. I feel like catching The Hobbit Premiere at midnight.
But most of all, I feel like finding myself. I feel like remembering what’s most important. I feel like living life to the fullest, embracing every beauty and miracle in this wonderful world. And remembering all these, I finally feel like writing once more.