There’s a reason we are so afraid to invest in something – to give it our all and spend hours upon hours upon hours. We hate rejections. We hate failures. Most of all, we are scared if all this hard work turn out to be nothing.
By not investing too much, we are guarding ourselves against failures. By pulling up a little bit short, we put a barrier between ourselves and the possibility of screwing up. By not putting ourselves out there, we say no to the vulnerable moments.
Over the past few weeks, I am so absorbed in my studies. It may not be up to the standard of the geniuses, but it’s way more than I used to give during my undergraduate years. I used to do the bare minimum. I didn’t do my readings. I did my assignments just in time to get good enough grades.
In my master’s degree, however, things change. I am finding myself doing the readings. I do my assignments ahead of time. In fact, I edit my assignments, again and again.
And I’m scared.
I’m scared if what all I’ve been doing all along is not enough. I’m scared I will be just getting average grades. Sure, grades are not everything, I’ve said so myself, but it’s an indication of how I’ve been doing – an indication of my skills.
I’m scared to find out if my best is not good enough.
I know that failures and feedback are the things that should propel me even more. In theory, I know I should see them as something that makes me grow. But it’s harder to apply this in practice. Let’s face it, I’m not immune to failures. I’m not immune to have spent the hours and felt like I have achieved nothing. I’m not immune to feeling that I have wasted all these time and yet I see no results.
Even when it’s not true. Especially when it’s not true.
You see, I have an attitude problem. Sometimes I just need to stop weighing the things I want to do and just do them instead. Sometimes I should do things without having the so-called return of investment in mind.
I want to start learning for the sake of learning again, not because I need to achieve results afterwards.
So I believe it’s okay – it’s okay to make a fool of yourself.
I may not get hurt by letting my guard up, but I don’t live that way either. I may face rejection. I may be disappointed in myself. I may fail.
But I will still choose to put myself out there and give it all.
Photo by Dave Rutt