It will be a great day when you accomplish nothing and still believe you’re worth something.
Jon Acuff
Marcella Purnama
Page 18
Marcella Purnama is a blogger and author of What I Wish I Had Known: And Other Lessons You Learned in Your Twenties. She is currently obsessed with finding the best recipe for bread rolls and keeping her sixteen plants alive.
Have you ever felt like you haven’t done anything?
That’s vague, but what I mean is this:
Have you ever felt like you haven’t done anything at all and it’s 11.30 at night, and you’re having a glass of Dom on the rock (because that’s what I’m having now) and you feel like you have wasted a completely good day?
Well, I have.
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All humans who live on earth have this annoying tendency: we always want something we can’t have.
‘Why do you want it so badly?’
‘Because they say I can’t have it.’
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Before writing this, I have written something else in anger. Of course, I wouldn’t post that one, but it makes me realise how distance could really help you put things into perspective.
Yesterday was a good day. I received a very good mark on my copyediting subject, which I have worked so hard for. I couldn’t be happier, because I really do want to be an outstanding editor. I really do. I want to write well. I want to be able to edit well.
This morning, the bomb drops.
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Are you familiar with the phrase, ‘I know I’ve done something right’?
It’s a sense of achievement, of accomplishment. We may have done hundreds of mistakes but looking at the fruits of our labours, we also know we have done something right. And something good will be unveiled from that. We’ve done something right, and somehow, our lives have worth.
This post is for my parents.
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I have known this for quite some time. I bet you know it too.
We behave our worst to the ones we love most.
We snap at our boyfriends. We make our girlfriends wait.
We never bother to try to be at our best behaviour – we don’t hide our dislikes about their stupid dinner choice or pretend to go along with their movie taste.
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There are two types of people: those who can get their plans wrecked and adapt to new, not-so-grandeur plans and others who can’t. Today, I’m on the latter group.
Needless to say, nothing goes according to plan tonight.
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I don’t know, it’s just gone.’
‘What do you mean you don’t know? Wha- What happened?’
He sighed. He had said the same thing twice and he didn’t know how to soften the blow any better. He avoided her eyes. ‘My feelings are gone.’
Lizzy forced herself to look him in the eyes, hopelessly trying to find something – hesitation, guilt, a spark of feeling, anything. She could only find hatred. ‘Why?’ she finally asked.
‘I just don’t love you anymore,’ he said it as a matter of fact. There was no remorse, not even a single hint of longing. Nothing. He gave her that flat sentence, finally ecstatic that he had said the thing he had wanted to say for the past month. Then he walked away.
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Ever since I graduated from my bachelor’s degree, the issue of money has been creeping up slowly in my life.
Even though we don’t talk much about it, we graduates realise that playing time is over. Our next goal is to become financially independent.
And it’s just the first step.
So let’s talk about money.
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There’s a reason we are so afraid to invest in something – to give it our all and spend hours upon hours upon hours. We hate rejections. We hate failures. Most of all, we are scared if all this hard work turn out to be nothing.
Nothing.
By not investing too much, we are guarding ourselves against failures. By pulling up a little bit short, we put a barrier between ourselves and the possibility of screwing up. By not putting ourselves out there, we say no to the vulnerable moments.
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