I WASN’T THE TYPE of girl who dreamed of getting married early. I never actually dotted down the ‘perfect age to get married’, but if I did it would probably be somewhere in my late 20s. And honestly, I never thought I’d be the first one among my peers to be a Mrs.

My first sister got married when she was 25, and during one of the family dinners my uncle approached me and said, ‘Remember, don’t get married too early. Enjoy life more.’ My parents were also on the same wagon—they preferred their daughters to only be ‘daughters’ for as long as it was possible.

Obviously the advice didn’t stick, because three months after my sister’s wedding, I got into a relationship.

Of course, it took another six years and a half before I actually tied the knot, but honestly I never thought I’d only be dating one person and end up marrying him.

(Yes, Darling, I’m the lucky one.)

So here I am, halfway through my 25th year, and married. It’s almost been two months, and many friends, both single and married, have asked me the question: How’s married life?

Can I tell you not-a-secret? It doesn’t feel any different.

Being married. It doesn’t feel different to before.

Seriously.

Sure, we finally live together. We can stay up late when going out with friends instead of worrying about him needing to send me home before going home himself. We talk about our finances and agree on spending a certain amount of expenses every month, as well as the method to track it. Ha.

But in all honesty, being married and being in a relationship are not that much different.

And it’s not just me. My husband (I still have to get used to use this word when referring to him) told me the same thing.

‘Don’t see it as a bad thing,’ he said, ‘but it feels the same.’ And I agree. And why does he need to emphasise that ‘it’s not a bad thing’?

I guess it has something to do with expectation.

Being newlyweds, we’re expected to feel like we’re on top of the world.

Being newlyweds, it is expected that we feel ‘OH MY GOSH I AM MARRIED THIS IS SURREAL’ all the time.

Say the wedding day is the happiest/best day of our lives. (I disagree, but this is another post altogether.) After the wedding, it’s expected that newlyweds keep that feeling for a reasonable period of time—say a couple of months—until the honeymoon effects wear off.

Being newlyweds, it is expected that we feel ‘OH MY GOSH I AM MARRIED THIS IS SURREAL’ all the time.

Instead, what we’re feeling—or at least what I’m feeling—is closer to the warm, fuzzy feeling you have when drinking green tea on the sofa at four in the afternoon when it’s raining. Actually, that is exactly what I’m doing at the moment, and it feels nice. Comfortable. Relaxing. Calming.

Just out of curiosity, I actually Googled on how newlyweds feel, or should be feeling. Strangely, or sadly, I landed on some articles about post-wedding depression. Apparently it’s a thing, at least according to ABC News, Daily Mail, and Independent.

Psychotherapists deduced that being married, compared to being wedded, can feel anticlimactic. People get married with the expectation that they would feel constantly elated in those first few weeks. And sometimes they don’t.

You wake up the next day next to your partner, and you realise that while everyone has given you a lot of tips on how to enjoy your wedding day, no one has shared their stories on how to be married.

Actually I empathise with those who have post-wedding depression. I get it. You spend a whole year, and sometimes more, to prepare your wedding. You go on countless meetings and pin hundreds of pictures on your secret Pinterest boards. You search for the sort-of perfect yet affordable wedding dress, and put absolute trust on your florist who hopefully understands the theme and colour scheme that you want.

On the day, you feel ecstatic—your families and friends come to celebrate the day with you, congratulate you, and give you nothing but wonderful compliments. You have your first dance, gulp some more drinks, and go onto the dance floor and join the party.

Then you wake up the next day next to your partner, and you realise that while everyone has given you a lot of tips on how to enjoy your wedding day, no one has shared their stories on how to be married.

I mean, you even have to learn to sleep together. And I do mean the literal act of sleeping—two people laying on the same bed, side by side, sleeping soundly ’til morning. As someone who has slept by herself on her own bed her whole life, it’s actually something that I’m still learning how to.

People, including me, often have this expectation, this illusion, of what it feels like to be married—of newlyweds shining bright like diamonds all the time—and when it doesn’t, it can bring forth other feelings…

And no, I’m not having any kind of post-wedding depression. Really. I love being married—waking up late and having my morning coffee and doing groceries and thinking of what to cook for dinner and reading books in the afternoon and waiting for the husband to come home and spending the night watching a new episode of The Big Bang Theory while devouring our dinner. It’s divine.

But those articles prove my point that people, including me, often have this expectation, this illusion, of what it feels like to be married—of newlyweds shining bright like diamonds all the time—and when it doesn’t, it can bring forth other feelings, ranging from slight amusement to extreme disappointment.

Oh, I love being married. I love being kissed in the morning before he goes to work. I love the extra hour of sleep on the weekends because we don’t need to battle the traffic to see each other before doing whatever we’re planning to do that day.

But being newlyweds doesn’t feel like eating at a fine dining restaurant with a beautifully paired glass of wine. It doesn’t feel like having perfectly Instagrammable roasted bone marrow for entrée, medium-rare Angus steak for main, and chocolate lava cake with ice cream for desserts.

Instead, it feels like having rice, spam, and eggs for dinner after a long day. Yet as you know, comfort food is the best.

 

 

Photo of Mr and Mrs Tjokro Aminoto on their wedding day by Joshua Chan. And no, I’m not going to change my name.