I still haven’t decided.
I still haven’t decided whether I want to go back to Indonesia, or stay here in Melbourne.
I still haven’t decided whether I want to pursue further degree, or go to work.
And I am down to my last two weeks in university.
Although I know that it’s okay – that whatever I decide and wherever that decision will lead me, I’ll be just fine – it’s still hard to make a decision.
Because deep down, I am afraid.
Am I afraid that I will fail? Of course I am.
With graduation is just one step away, I frantically start to ask advices from everyone – what do you think I should do? Should I do a Master in Journalism? Should I do a Certificate in Patisserie? Should I go home and try to find work? There are too many options, and I feel like I do not have any preference.
I feel lost.
I feel like letting the universe decide for me. I feel like tossing everything to fate’s more capable hands.
Why? Perhaps one thing that I’m more afraid than failing is actually to make the wrong decision myself. Because if I’m the one who decides, then I won’t be able to blame anyone but myself. I have no one to share the responsibility of wrecking my own future with.
And the what ifs questions. What if I’m made to pursue a career in journalism? What if I’m not? What if I’m supposed to become an entrepreneur and open a cafe? What if my purpose is not all these?
I know the best thing to do is just to decide on something and commit to it. But I’m really scared.
I’m scared to make the wrong decision. I’m scared of not getting it right the first time. I’m scared that my decision will cost something way much more that I have anticipated to pay.
I’m scared of choosing and needing to bear the consequences.
So I procrastinate. I prolong the need to make a decision. I do more fishing – what do you think I should do? What is your opinion on this?
I ask the same question in ten different ways to ten different people, although I already know the answers. I try to justify myself – a third opinion is something that I need, so perhaps the next person I ask will be able to give me a stronger light bulb.
Who am I kidding? I am just trying to make everyone else decide for me.
I was having another sleepless night when suddenly I was reminded of the movie 3 Idiots. There was a final year engineering student who was torn between a career in engineering and pursuing his passion in photography.
And yet in the end, he said to his father:
“I don’t enjoy Engineering. I’d make a terrible engineer,” he said.
“Five years from now, when you see your friends buying cars and homes, you’ll curse yourself,” his father said.
“Life as an engineer will bring only frustration. Then I’ll curse you. I’d rather curse myself, Dad,” he said.
His father wants him to become an engineer. He wants to become a wildlife photographer. He chooses the latter.
I am reminded that in the end, after gathering twenty different possible choices from twenty different people, I am still the one who needs to make a decision. I am the one who is responsible in steering the driving wheel. It’s my own life.
And as horrible as it sounds, I would rather make the wrong choices myself and learn from them rather than following what others think are the best for me. I would rather blame myself rather than blaming those closest to me for making them choose for me.
Choose. Make a decision. Even if it’s not your best choice, it’s not the end of the world. Choose again. And live.
And once again, I need to remind myself, that whatever I choose, I will be okay.
And you will be, too.