two steps forward one step back

It’s one of those sleepless nights.

Tossing in bed for two hours. Can’t sleep. Changing position. Still can’t sleep. Sipping a glass of water. Changing sleeping position again. And again. Head’s hurting. Heart’s pounding. But still there’s no sleep.

Suddenly, it’s two a.m.

To be fair, I have a somewhat bad day. I blew my phone data by 500 mb (even when I’ve turned off my cellular data when it reached 100 per cent – yes, this is getting ridiculous), and I found out that my coffee machine that should have arrived this week wouldn’t be here until late May.

Really, I was disappointed.

And mad.

And sad.

It didn’t help that it was that time of the month too.

And I have work and uni tomorrow.

Big sigh.

Then at night, I browsed through visa after visa to determine which one I can apply for after I graduate. And I haven’t found anything beside the working and holiday visa. Like, I might not be able to get a legit working visa even after my Master’s. Ridiculous.

So here I am, laying on bed, thinking about life. I feel a bit shitty actually. I wonder when will I start being a grown-up. It doesn’t help that it’s only ten days before I turn 23. I have no idea if I can secure a job after graduation. Plus, I have no idea if I can stay at a job for long before calling it quit. Then, I’m worried about money and if I will ever be able to provide for myself and my family.

If you ask me, I’d say that my life’s projection is not as good as I envision it to be.

I wonder why I get into Master’s and throw away piles of money (again) for an education that I only somewhat need.

And with all these on my mind, I can’t sleep.

I haven’t been reading. I haven’t been writing.

Well, in my defence, I’ve taken a new hobby – cooking and baking. I’m even tempted to do something like ‘Julie and Julia’, just to see how far I’d go.

And I’m still living from weekend to weekend.

It’s hard to be an adult. Really. I’ve been trying to be one for the past few months, and I still fall short.

Like, I’ve taken new responsibilities. I do thorough budgeting of my income and spending. I clean the apartment. I cook. I take care of the bills. I do my studies and work.

And it’s still not enough.

Guess I need to remember that two steps forward and one step back is still a progress well made.

It is.

Photo by minzkind, Creative Commons